It is with great madness of my mind that I write today.  It has been several weeks since I’ve sat down to type words.  If I look back at other blogs, it has happened several times, and each time it is due to some circumstance “beyond my control.”  The lack of time, lack of thought, lack of sleep, the deprivation of something seems to be the recurring theme.

If only I could sit down and write when ideas consume my brain, but I am usually not near pen and paper or computer when profound thoughts come, and after they do, it all turns to mush and I becomes catatonic.  I cannot form a complete sentence, finish a project, or read a book.  I find myself having to make dinner, play with the kid, clean the house, attend the school function…not to mention work, all within a certain time frame; a schedule that is not of my making.   I continually check my email in order “to keep up” with work, look at Facebook to feel “connected” to family!! The conditions that surround control my life.  The outside influence permeates every minute of my everyday, yet I sit alone……the phone does not ring, a letter does not arrive, no one asks “how are you?” and the insanity consumes me as I look for the connection.

I have finally come to the conclusion it is all inconsequential.  I do not get more done by checking email so many times a day…I do not feel closer to friends and family through the computer…I do not gain anything by continually scrolling looking for the latest media truth to help me make a good decision…It is all a façade, nothing in it is worth paper print, and it has done nothing but shrink my capabilities and diminish my intelligence.  How easy it is to become influenced by “notifications” and “likes” and “instant messages”…to continually pick up the phone to check and see if anyone has anything to say to me… when in reality it has only made me enter chaotic madness!

It is no wonder I cannot write with the talent I had when I was younger…I do not take the time.  I just throw words on a page and hope the few that read will like it.  What a waste of time and ability.  Instead of reading all the blogs I have found to love, I’m scrolling through internet memes.  Instead of engaging fully with my child, I am checking email so I do not get behind.  Instead of picking up a good book, I have picked up bad habits and learned how to squander valuable moments.

I have been very good as using my time in the utmost wasteful ways lately and it has taken a toll.  What was once used as a tool to create order out of chaos and forge connections to those far away, has done nothing but create more unease and negated my value as a living, breathing, feeling person.  I stopped using it to work for me and allowed it control.

It is my belief that technology was created in order to save us time, not to waste it; to enable us to deepen connections not to isolate, create bridges not canyons of division, and to allow us to enhance worth in our own selves, not destroy it.

I hope that I can reverse the path I have created and start walking towards real people, people that care what I have to say, through words I send out to the great internet, on the phone, or face to face.  I hope that I can begin, once again, to be in charge of my own chaos from which I can create and enjoy…

Photo credit: S.K.
Chaos